Like every year, lots has happened in pop culture. Whether through embarrassing column inches, reality TV or ‘celebrity incidents’ there’s certain people who just won’t get out of your face. Now most of these people I hate, I’ll be honest. Many of these I dream of driving past at 50mph and throwing a crisp packet full of turds at while laughing and feeling alive, oh the joy! Oh the tasty schadenfreude! Mmm tastier than gravy. We can’t all get what we want though, so I’ve compiled my favourites from 2014.
5. Danny Dyer.
Danny Dyer has had to curb his ‘bad boy’ image of late. Since being the saviour of Eastenders as rounded family man Mick Carter, Dyer has mostly tweeted his support of the gay community and kept his misogynistic banterthon down to a minimum. In order, I’m assuming to be the next Shia LaBoeuf one day.
Dyer found himself having to sell out even more, however upon starring in an ‘Eastenders does Grease’ performance for Children in Need. “AWL FER A GOOD CAUSE YEW MAG!” I bet he repeated to himself as the wardrobe department stuck him in some tight pants and put an Elvis style wig on his head. Dyer proceeded to play Danny from Grease in an ‘You’re the One That I Want’ parody. Not only was his lack of rhythm astounding, ruining boners everywhere, but you couldn’t help but notice the slight look of “Oh god please kill me.” in his eyes.
I could barely watch the whole thing without wanting to vomit it was so bad, but for cringey voyeurs I proclaim “GO FORTH AND SUFFER THOSE GAGS!”
4. Paul Ross.
Ah Paul Ross, unfortunate overshadowed brother of popular talk show host Jonathan.
Back in August, Paul Ross decided to take centre stage in the cringiest way imaginable by selling an ‘Exclusive’ story to the Daily Mail. This story documented how he cheated on his wife by going dogging on a nearby roundabout, having a gay affair and becoming addicted to Meow Meow (that legal high that’s basically plant food, could this be any more gloriously rubbish?).
The story took an even more wonderful turn when Ross also admitted the ‘pet names’ him and his lover called each other ‘Puck and Pea’, to be exact. With Jackie his wife standing by him, we were witness to some tastefully taken shots of the couple on a bench in their garden, a scene of domestic married bliss amongst all that filth, ahhh.
(If only he’d driven barefoot to Dundee)
Bez from the Happy Mondays. With his vacant ecstasy addled face and northern, half baked rambling. We all remembered when he shook those maracas onstage constantly during the 90’s, everyone witnessing it was there at the scene; Bez however, was constantly doing it from within a K hole.
Bez recently decided to go into politics and stand as MP for Salford and Eccles in 2015. Not only is this amazingly ridiculous enough (given he’s an out of his depth substance user who beat his partner, ew), but the guy subjected himself to an interview on the BBC’s Sunday Politics programme and god was it gold.
“I am going to fight the revolution from within!” he proclaims, like a drunk adolescent that’s just heard Never Mind the Bollocks for the first time; Andrew Neil peering at him like he’s just stepped off a space ship with a mouth covered in Nutella.
Witness this amazing scene yourself:
2. Brian Harvey.
Brian Harvey, ex East 17 singer is the D List gift that just kept on giving.
His magnum opus for me and many others was that immortal moment he accidentally ran himself over with his car and blamed the fact he’d ‘eaten too many baked potatoes’, to be exact it was 3 (I checked). The scenario was ridiculous, it was far fetched, it was beautiful. Even when I think of it now I look thoughtfully into the distance pulling the same face many do as they witness their first born child for the first time.
In October 2014, Harvey once again made a tit of himself after he caused a disturbance outside 10 Downing Street and had to be removed by police. Apparently Harvey had arrived there with a ring binder demanding to speak to the Prime Minister over how much money he believed the government had stolen from him over the years. The incident ended with Brian Harvey leaving and defiantly stating “You’ll all be dancing to my number 1 at Christmas!”
The icing on the cake was the last line featured in most newspapers who reported it:
“It is still not known what the ring binder contained.”
NUMBER 1. Stevi Ritchie.
Oh Stevi. Stevi for me has been the ultimate X Factor underdog during 2014. With absolutely no ability to sing whatsoever, dance moves like a drunk Uncle, naive self belief and a face reminiscent of the Whos who live in Whoville in The Grinch Movie (Google, I promise it’s true), Stevi has brought me more joy than a large pizza to myself, followed by a giant banoffee pie and a shag from Tom Hardy. Seeing him get through the competition stages in front of egotistical, desperate wannabes who have far too much self awareness was something that I couldn’t possibly get enough of.
Stevi Ritchie IS Alan Partridge. It’s impossible to dislike him, no matter how much of a twerp you think he is. I want to get drunk with him and give him a right ruddy bloody cuddle (then watch as he unsuccessfully tries to chat up women).
Of course my favourite moment by far was when he suggested to Simon Cowell that they go for some grub at Harvester while ‘bantering’ during one of the lives shows, Cowell took Stevi up on his offer and the pictures taken were pure joy. Stevi was seen to be nibbling at his scampi and constantly giving Cowell admiring glances. It was almost like the scene in Alan Partridge where Alan had that awkward dinner with the BBC director and almost begged for a second series.
“Can I shock you? I like wine!”
Here’s both the delightful picture and my favourite Stevi performance. OH STEVI. YOU HERO.
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